Cigars, Whiskey, or the Bible? The Most Effective Way to Start a Catholic Men’s Group
I smoke a pipe religiously. That is, I smoke a pipe as daily as possible, and generally, it is my time to sit in leisure and prayerfully reflect about my life, my relationships, and how I can become better as a human being. Smoking a pipe slows me down, it forces me to sit or take a stroll, and it encourages me to think. I also find that smoking a pipe is a great excuse to spend time with other men. The only thing that’s better than smoking a pipe is doing so with friends. During COVID, I started developing some friends at church who all smoked pipes. So we got together intermittently in our backyards to smoke pipes together. Our common interest in pipe smoking allowed other common interests to come out through conversation, and although there was no planned topic, we inevitably ended up chatting about theology, philosophy, church ministry, and occasionally touched upon marriage and family life. Five years later, we still meet, still talk, still smoke pipes, and occasionally, we will drink some whiskey too. What I’ve just shared is the secret to starting a Catholic men’s group.
Here are the basic principles to starting a Catholic men’s group.
1) Find a commonality that men are drawn to,
2) Personally invite some guys together to share that commonality,
3) Make it consistent.
My pipe smoking group is mostly made up of guys who are “advanced” in their spiritual life. They are either in ministry currently, or have gone to seminary, or have been active in ministry in the past, and they all think actively about faith, the church and how to actively advance Christ’s mission. In our case, we started with about 4 guys. Over the years, we expanded the circle of trust and began to invite other guys to our pipe smoking night. We probably have a list of about 10 men who I would call regulars. Then there are probably another 5-10 guys over who have been invited, showed up once or twice, and have never come back. We started out meeting every six weeks or so, then we made it monthly, and in this current season of life, it has waned a bit during the winter, but spring is on the horizon!
Here are some other keys to starting your own Catholic Men’s group.
I currently have four men’s groups that I either run and organize by myself or I would consider myself to be an intricate member.
Let me share the story of two other groups I have started and currently meet with. Each of them has their own niche platform.
One of the groups I started is a small group of men that had three things in common. We all lived in the same area (within 5 minutes drive from one another). We all wanted to grow in our faith. We all are dads in our 30s and 40s.
How did I start these Catholic men’s groups?
Develop a cordial relationship with each of the men.
I knew each guy from other events that we were connected to over the years. i.e. my wife’s friend’s husband that we had over for dinner; My wife is in a small group and two or three of these guys had wives in that same group; Kid’s friend’s dads, etc. Basically, over the course of two years, I developed a relationship with each of these guys to the point where I had their numbers and saw them fairly regularly.
Make the pitch.
I basically pulled each guy I wanted in the group aside or texted them individually and let them know what I wanted to do. I wanted to have a consistent evening where we as dads could get together and be more intentional about our faith. Some of the dads I invited had a couple guys that they invited as well. I got them all together by inviting them to a Thursday night Chiefs game party at my house. At half time I made the pitch with all of them there.
Establish a time.
The time was important, most of these dads have 4 to 5 kids, and need to be home during the witching hour through bed time. So we made it an 8:15 PM start time.
Establish the frequency of your meeting.
It needs to be consistent enough to build an intentional relationship but not so frequent that the commitment is overwhelming. So we decided on the 2nd and 4th Thursday of every month.
Decide on the content.
We decided to cover Scripture one chapter at a time per meeting. Then, when we finished that book of the Bible, we decided on something else together. We have read through Romans, 1st John, Screwtape Letters, and now we are on Maccabees. That has taken us about 3 years. The goal is NOT the content. The content is really just an excuse to meet. The real goal is intentional friendship.
Decide on some ground rules.
Here are some principles we’ve upheld.
No pre-set questions. Sometimes these can get fabricated and the conversation isn’t real.
No homework! We read the chapter together in our meeting time, and we talk about it. We don’t require any reading outside of our meeting.
The group is not closed. In other words, other men can be invited. Not everyone I asked at the beginning has committed. I’d say we got 50 percent of the initial guys I asked. We started small (about 3 consistent guys) and have doubled in size over the last couple years. A couple co-workers were invited. Another guy from church. Still twice a month. These guys have become my very good friends.
Home Groups vs Parish Groups
The first couple of groups I talked about are more casual and consistent small groups that meet in the home.
I have another Catholic men’s group that is larger and more formal in its approach. We meet almost every week at 6:30 AM at the Nativity Catholic Church in Leawood. Why 6:30 AM? Because I find that before work, before the day starts, and typically when the wife is asleep or doing her own thing, guys can meet. Now, having said that, dads with young kids find this time hard because the morning is another incredibly busy time. So, this group trends a little older (Empty nesters or parents whose kids are in highschool, and driving on their own). I started this group before COVID with three other guys. Two guys were from the parish, while me and my colleague were not involved in the parish. We made the pitch to about 20 or 30 guys in the parish that were interested. Over the course of 6 years, we have grown it to about 45 guys who consistently come each week from 6 different parishes. We have a list of over 100 guys that have come at one time or another.
Here is the secret recipe for this parish-based Catholic men’s group:
1) Having a core group of men in a parish committed to carrying out the workload of invitation
2) Find a time that works
3) Have a live, in-person teacher/speaker who is engaging and compelling, every time. (This is a hard ask. In this case, me and my colleague are both professional public speakers with a lot of experience)
4) Provide content that is relevant
5) Provide an opportunity for men to have open-ended, skeptical and honest discussion
6) Coffee
I find that men, more than anything, want to be a part of something where there are other men around them. The type of discussion that men generally bond over is through ideas, philosophies, strategies, principles, and practical how-to, etc. Men don’t like to be sappy and open hearted. However, there are times when open hearted conversations happen in the context of a men’s group, and those times are generally very powerful experiences for everyone present. Those occasions are absolutely an essential ingredient for a successful men’s group, but they shouldn’t be the consistent norm. They tend to be powerful because they don’t happen very often. Keep it this way and plan for them intermittently.
How do I find a Catholic men’s group in Kansas City?
This is easier said than done.
Many parishes have some form of men’s group that meets, but I have found that many of these groups have started at one point in time (maybe 15 or 20 years ago) with a number of guys that had gone through some retreat together and wanted to carry on the momentum from the retreat. Although they might be very welcoming and excited to have you, the fact that they are set in their ways and have had a close knit group is hard to enter into. There are also a number of churches that have men’s groups that are run by DVDs, meaning the content is a talking head on a DVD. The bright side of this is that the content is probably well packaged and coherent, but for some reason I have a problem with packaged material that doesn’t have an element to it that is raw and organic…and human.
There is no substitute for real people. People prefer real people because there is a human element that brings out God’s presence through incarnation. Each of us bears the image of God. In some way, a DVD or digital format masks this connection. It is deeply important to keep your groups centered around real people.
The hard part is finding this group that exists. And if this isn’t your cup of tea, then honestly, you might have an easier time starting your own group than finding a group.
Why is all of this important? Most fast food chain companies don’t grow by making their restaurant larger so that more people can come, they grow through franchising. In order for men’s lives to change more effectively, we need to franchise the work of Christ through multiplying the number of groups that meet all over the city at different times and with different, raw, organic topics that engage every kind of man. This is what Christ did. So, whether it's whiskey tastings or cigars or pipes or book readings or something else, the most effective way to start a Catholic men’s group is to form a relationship, invite them to connect with others, be intentional in what you talk about, and provide a fairly consistent opportunity to meet together.
My greatest hope is that men would take their torch to their particular corner of the world and start a new fire. If you find that you have this desire, but you need help starting one in your own home or parish, then reach out! This is why we exist. And lastly, you can alway come to a Grounded Catholic men’s group on Tuesdays at the Nativity Catholic Church in Leawood, or on second and fourth Thursdays in Lawrence.